Battling With Myself

When I was in middle school having your first period seems to be the long awaited event in your life, that means you're hitting puberty. Unfortunately for me, I only had my period once which was when I was 13 and they ghosted me for few months which brought to my attention that I might be abnormal. When I turn 14 I told my mom about it and she decided to bring me to the nearest gynecologist in town.

Right after school when she picked me up we straight away went to the clinic. My hands they were cold and I kept on fidgeting in my seats. I have no problem with clinic trips but it is a problem when you are at the ends of your wit thinking the absolute worse. You know how you went to a doctor when you have a cold, but in my case I don't know what it is and it is definitely not a cold. 

When the doctor asked me to sit which I gladly obliged, she only took a few looks at me and know the kind of disease I'm having. When I said look, she literally only have a look at me without doing a thorough examination but to be sure she did say "Let's do an ultrasound because I might be wrong". 

There am I on the bed with tummy on show for the doctor. She spurted the gel on my tummy and run the wand on them. "The ovary is healthy but as expected you did have PCOS" calmly the doctor explained it wasn't something serious but on the long run it can be. 

By the age of 15 I'm still struggling in accepting myself. The battle continue when all of the symptoms are out in the open. That one noon my class was escorted to the room where we will be receiving our vaccine. The room is an open space and I still remember that the place was very bright. I never thought I will hate light but on that day if it has something to do with light or bright I will shun myself from it. I sat beside a friend and we were waiting for our turn to get a jab. She was staring dagger at me to which I laugh it off thinking she was teasing me. 

"Wow you have a beard" she spoke in amusement and my hand immediately went to my chin. I was caressing my chin before I know it but I felt nothing. At home when I stare at the mirror I just realized yeah I do have facial hair in which it affects my self-esteem tremendously. Being aware of their existence I decided to wax them off, which happened to be the most depressing moment of my life as it grew darker and much more prominent on the skin.

There was this one time at school where it was a joie de vivre for everyone but me. It was PE. I always hated PE considering I'm on the heavy side so I'm always self-conscious around everyone. Few of my friends they are very understanding trying to help me fit in the game and yes on that day I experienced the same joy as the others until I let my voice out a little too loud. This had caught the attention of the other group of people, my classmate. One of them had a questioning look on her face and our eyes meet. 

"Awak khunsa ke?" I was shock. The word khunsa doesn't have a bad meaning to it but it does have a negative connotation to it. Usually, they used this as a form of an insult to a person. I was hurt, but I guess the girl didn't know I have PCOS. She assumed I might be intersex but I wasn't. The problem with PCOS is that it affects my appearance. I have excessive body hair plus facial hair and my voice is deeper than any other girl in my school due to excessive secretion of male hormone. The question asked was due to how deep my voice is. Best believe on that day onward I only speak when necessary. 

Fast forward to few years later, I tried to live with all these baggage. The facial hair, the body hair, the weight and everything that come with it. I try tackling this by reminding myself that not everyone is aware of this disease, I can't always be offended when someone is not educated in this part as I am. The idea is to educate them and be comfortable in your own body. There always seems to be countless moment where I question these unique features my body has. They sometimes left me in tears. The anxiety of people knowing that you have facial hair always get to me everyday and still is. By disclosing to people that you have PCOS seems to be the only way to shut people down. They are bunches of curios people and by letting them know we have satisfied their curiosity.